Friendship and Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

The act that allows you to build strong, lasting connections with other people.

That thing that creates a space for people to make mistakes and be human with you.

Reenactment of my expression when I realized that I was not even remotely close to being a forgiving person and trying to figure out why I was playing myself with these whack-ass coping mechanisms.

The most “Christ-like” trait.

The trait that I seem to be missing.

I considered myself an incredibly forgiving person while I was growing up. When things would go wrong (or someone would do wrong by me), I would try my hardest to view it from their perspective. I took pride in being able to empathize. I was constantly asking myself why people behaved the way that they did and lent them the compassion and understanding that I wish I would have also given to myself during those years. I told myself to love and forgive in a Christ-like manner. God forgives unconditionally, so I will too. That was true for the most part—or so I thought.

I thought that I was taking the high road by shaking off any hurt or confusion that I felt. (Another blog post will be coming on the origin of that thought process.) When I look back now, I was just suppressing my emotions. A skill that I have become quite good at if I do say so myself. Not to brag, but I could teach classes on how to push feelings aside. Get at me if you want lessons. Instead of speaking up when situations hurt me, I pushed them aside and disregarded them as “minor.” They were not worthy of my time and energy.

Imagine that—Your own feelings not being worthy enough of your time or energy.

“It’s not a big deal” and “they didn’t mean it that way” were phrases that I constantly told myself.

“It doesn’t matter.”

If you know me now, really know me, you have heard me use this phrase time and time again. No matter how minor or major an incident may be, it doesn’t matter. It never matters. Here is what I didn’t understand: When you dismiss things that hurt you and decide that they don’t matter, you are deciding that your feelings don’t matter. You are deciding that you don’t matter. After all, you are talking about your inner self. Your emotions and thoughts are what make you who you are. If you decide that your feelings don’t matter, what do you have left? Not regarding your feelings as important is not the beautiful trait that many would have you believe it is. Putting everyone else’s feelings and perspectives before your own is not an act to be admired. Quite the contrary. It shows a lack of consideration and love for yourself; and that often times comes with a lot of baggage and poor coping mechanisms. If you won’t actively protect and care for yourself, your subconscious mind will.

Tell your friends when something they say or do hurts you. If they are really your friend, they will want to know.

A coping mechanism that I developed to counteract my dismissiveness of hurt or inability to speak up immediately is apathy. Once I have reached the end of my tolerance level, I am met with apathy towards whatever it was that initially bothered me. Instead of the desire to work through my feelings or sort out what it going wrong in the relationship, I want nothing to do with the person or situation entirely. The issue with this is that people never have any idea that the “ghosting” is about to occur because I never alluded to anything being wrong. Years of minor offensives that I have been subconsciously keeping count of eventually surface and result in a lack of wanting to resolve any issues with the person. Any action seems like a waste—I have already deemed the person “bad” in my reality. This is entirely unfair to the person on the receiving end because they are essentially being punished for an issue that they never knew was present. This does not apply if you have addressed or attempted to address the situation with the opposing party, but I seldom do. Also, a blow-up. I tend to blow-up when I allow things to get too out of hand.

 So, correction: I do state what is wrong with me, but I do it once I’ve already reached my breaking point. 

Let’s discuss what is wrong with this response. When you allow negative emotions towards a person to build, no matter how large or small, you begin to create a narrative of who they are in your head without giving them an opportunity to share their side of the story or correct a behavior that they may not even be aware bothers you. When you see the act occurring consistently, it may seem as though they are being intentionally hurtful to you. You end up constantly questioning their motives, often when they have not given you a reason to do so.

I want to be clear, I am not suggesting that you play dumb. Everyone’s intentions are not pure, and you are setting yourself up for inevitable pain and disappointment if you go through life truly believing that everyone in the world is wishing the best for you. However, you cannot label someone as “bad” for not meeting some unknown standard that you have placed on the world or behaving in a way that you find bothersome if you have never brought it to their attention.

Create a happier life for yourself by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and assuming that your friends have positive intentions.

There are many articles that explain why assuming positive intentions in others will make you a happier and more likable person. While I will not be going into all of the reasons that this way of thinking can benefit you here, the way that it most applies to this situation is that you will leave most interactions less hurt or generally upset if you give people the benefit of the doubt. If you happen to be somewhat of a cynic like myself, this may prove to be difficult. But if a person has proven themselves to be decent in every other way outside of what you find problematic, why wouldn’t you assume that they don’t mean you any harm? I like to believe that most of us are doing the best that we can and if the harmful behavior is happening by someone you have chosen as a friend, it is likely that a true friend is not trying to hurt you. This way of thinking should not be used as an excuse to avoid confronting the situation or to dismiss your initial feelings as “misunderstanding;” however, it should greatly influence the way that you approach your friend when you do mention what is bothering you. 

Everyone’s story is uniquely their own and our realities are different because we don’t share the same experiences. In turn, behaviors that may seem “obviously offensive” to you may not apply in someone else’s reality and vice-versa. No one is above making mistakes and hurting someones’ feelings. I have been made aware of things that I’ve said or done that did not sit well with others. By being made aware of these behaviors, I am able to explain my understanding of the situation to them so that they know my intentions were not meant to be harmful as well as giving me the opportunity to think through the way that I interact with those friends in the future. I would never have been able to grow in those relationships or learn more about my friends’ realities had I not been confronted and made aware of what hurts them. I know that my intentions are mostly pure and my friends assume the same. Thus they give me the benefit of the doubt. I am now taking action to ensure that I grant everyone else that same courtesy. Being open about behaviors that bother you, as well as being open to different understandings and interpretations of those realities gives people the chance to better understand your reality and is crucial to building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Forgiveness and understanding are crucial in creating long-lasting friendships.

Let’s review:

1)   Speak up when something bothers you. ( + Do it in the moment.)

2)   Assume that people have positive intentions.

3)   Be open to alternative understandings.

These are a few tips that I intend to apply to my own life from this moment forward. I have found that a lot of hurt feelings from friends, both given and received, have been attributed to misunderstanding. Why walk around with animosity when its likely a simple misunderstanding? If you and the other person still do not see eye to eye after conversing, then you know that relationship may have run its course. That’s okay. Life is hard enough; let’s not make it difficult than it already is.

If holding on to negative emotions is something that you struggle with, consider this step one in creating a more stress-free life.