An Invitation to My Younger Self

I struggle with my self worth.

I really struggle with my self worth.

It’s so much more than “knowing your worth in a relationship” or “not changing yourself for anyone else.” As demented as it sounds, I almost wish that was the battle I was fighting. My struggle comes from a deeply rooted belief that I am not good enough—in any way.

I do not believe that I am intelligent, beautiful, gifted, supportive, kind or motivated enough. That is not to say that I don’t believe that I am any of those things to some degree. It’s quite the contrary, actually. I do believe I am those things, just not enough. And what does it matter if you don’t inhabit enough of those qualities to make them count?

I have existed in this body longer than I can remember. I cannot at all recall being an uninhibited, curious, self-assured and free child that I am sure we all were at one point in time. It is an overwhelming weight that blankets me when I think of how different my life could be if only I could reconnect that my inner child. The one who knew she was destined for something bigger. If only I could ask her how she was able to prioritize other people’s feelings when it now feels impossible to process my own. How did she feel so much? I want to remember how to be compassionate with myself, but I can’t even figure out if I’m okay a majority or the time so how can I know when to be gentle with myself? She knew. I do not know how, but she did.

It is widely believed that we become wiser with age and experience—and while I do believe that to be true, it seems to me that this is the only version of wisdom that is recognized. Wisdom to me encompasses more than experience and solid judgement. The people I consider wise in my own life not only have good judgment, but they are kind to others and to themselves. The people I view as “wise” are living their lives as their most authentic selves. They are true to to who they are and unapologetically so. They do not argue their being with others because they are so comfortable with themselves that they do not feel the need to defend their person.

Maybe “wise” is not the word I’m describing at all— “Aspirational” feels more fitting.

I admire those qualities in others. What I find frustrating is that I have the ability to see what I find aspirational in other people and what I want for myself, but I cannot touch it. I see the destination, but I do not know how to get there. This is one of the many thoughts that makes me question my intelligence and my place in the world entirely. How can you know what it is that you want and not know how to grab it? Maybe if I cannot figure it out then I am not deserving of it to begin with. It feels like my life is being wasted chasing after feelings and concepts with no true payoff. To call it discouraging would be an understatement. It is anxiety provoking and depressing. It makes this all seem and feel pointless. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t how to figure it out. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore, so I’m going to stop.

My instincts told me to write.

I do not know if this even made sense, but it is where I am in the moment.

I am going post it regardless because I need to start trusting my instincts. Overthinking has brought me nothing but discontent so it’s time for me to try something different.

One day I will get back to that little girl who trusted herself and lived authentically, I promise.

This is my invitation to her.